sarraheliza

• 2012-12-27

  I don’t like to think about it…

  Not because I want to forget what happened that night, but because the fear overpowers me. It makes him real again, his spirit is with us when we speak of it. All the anger, torture, hurt and fear that he went through becomes real. It seizes my mind, twisting the world around me back to that anguish. We all feel it, we all felt it. The dark cloud that hung over us all as we buried a family member who left our world on bad terms. So many unanswered questions… Why and who and how and how will his son grow up? No matter how long you sit in this circle and plead and poke for your answers you will never get them. Only two people left on this earth can give that to you and their brains are but mush. I hope you find the truth, but please take this black cloud out of my life again. Take it home with you. My fears will not conquer me again.

• 2012-08-08

  I have always…

  Given in to what other people want or expect. I am not considered kind hearted but somehow I find myself spent. I want to do great things in this shitty world and I have high dreams. I think I’m just at a point where those dreams are so far from being accomplished only because I give too much. I let myself go to a school close to home and when I found that being away was peaceful that is all I wanted. When the thought of losing A person I presumed I loved, I gave in to moving farther away. Now I am about to embark on what would seem a challenging new experience. I should break free from all of the problems I’ve always had and create a fresh start. That will never happen. I realize that this town changes people. It makes them lazy and tired. I will always be a girl from this town. Someone who is tired, lonely and awkward. I want to do things for myself, show people that I can actually make dreams a reality. I want to make decisions because they will better my life, not because I want to please people. I want to be alone just to acquire my dreams, but really how can I say I’m not alone? I’ve always craved the friendships that others had. I have never been outgoing and fun like other people and I still find myself alone in the end. I have never had my own friends, people to count on when I needed them. I’ve never done charity work because my boyfriends are more important. I’ve left my family during hard times because of my friends. I’ve let myself fail in all the accomplishments I’ve wanted to have. I will never be the person I want to be.

• 2012-06-29

  I am really sick of…

  Being judged for my relationship. Everyone has something to say about it, and has their own view of what I should do about it. It’s not really fair to anyone and their partner to hear those judgements but don’t we all do it? We never see it until it done to us and we never look at ourselves for it. What really bothers me is how lonely I am because of this. Why do couples have to hang out with other couples, or single people with other singles?

• 2012-06-07

  I don’t know what it will take…

  For me to find happiness in boredom. Life is predictable, too predictable for me to handle. Get out of your mind and your mind doesn’t let go anymore. Everyone is on their throne throwing their ideas in my face. How about this … It’s my life and I will live it however I please whether or not that life fulfills my ideas of pleasure. I will never listen to your drivel and pretend I care or find it useful. I will find my own happiness on my own terms and when I do it will amaze me. I will see the sun and the grass and the trees. They will be beautiful in all their glory and stand tall against the wind. I will notice just like I used to when colors were vivid and every breath was felt against my skin. I am just here, just living going through the motions allowing everything to pass me by. I want to live it again, actually live and have a choice with a loud voice. Loud because it is happy, not angry and sad. I will find happiness. The sun will always shine tomorrow.

• 2012-05-16

  Find out…

  What makes you who you are. Then you can move on.

• 2012-05-01

  Spent the weekend….

  Out of my body. It was wonderful, every time is wonderful. Life is beautiful and colorful there, more colorful than it could be anywhere else. Since this I have realized how close I am to an amazing life with those who care. It feels good to have a person who can be so close to me but every day is new and changing. Kind gestures truly mean more than any thoughtful word could. Life is beautiful here. Out of my body. It is wonderful every time. With you.

• 2012-04-02

  Falling….

  So hard. I don’t want this feeling to ever end .

• 2012-03-25

  really thought…

  the past year of my life was a wonderful experience until it ended.

  Now I have noticed that when someone really truly cares about you and how you feel they really will do anything for you. There is so much truth in what everyone said, we were never good for each other. I am so happy, so amazingly happy, that I have a wonderful partner after all of the hurt. Someone who can see themselves with me, and it works perfectly and beautifully without fight. Two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, there is no more trying to fit the square into the circle.

  < 3 satisfied on a level I could have never imagined.

• 2012-02-22

  i never said it wasn’t my fault….

  it’s just yours too. Maybe it has been my fault all along. Maybe I messed it up from the beginning. For this I am sorry, but where did it go wrong? From the beginning, or just from now? If I knew then what I know now, i would have never doubted never feigned. What we had in the beginning was amazing and everyone loses themselves in the process, but I never thought we would get this lost, so far from the beaten path.

  Remember when we used to laugh at each other, drive around your neighborhood at night, have sleepovers, watch movies on the living room couch together, and get snowed in… just us?

  I guess not…

• 2012-02-08

  

  (via intensifiedexploration)